“So, lemme ‘esplain, no, there is too much, lemme sum up.”—that’s one of my favorite quotes from ‘The Princess Bride”, a film I might unfriend you for not liking. It’s near the end of the film when a thick accented Inigo Montoya has to get another character caught up with the plot. I bring this up because of another quote, one of my own from the last Blogpost. It’s one of the many places where I have to just ‘sum up’ instead of fully ‘esplaining…

“ ‘Getting over it’ can happen a lot of ways. For me, I began to practice pure Mindfulness exercises while waiting in the albergue lobbies, which, in short, took away the context from which my anger was wont to arise. That’s all I can tell you. Go get your own ‘Get Over It’ Method.”

When I re-read that it pissed me off. Which was weird, as I had written it. The feeling that rose in me was one that felt cheated as a reader. ” ‘That’s all I can tell you?’ I beg your pardon!? Look here, Pal, I came here to read about a guy telling everything he knows about a thing, and that’s what I want! Everything! Is there a Magnum version of this Blog where he actually tells everything, and I bet it’s all the really juicy cool stuff about Buddha’s sex life?!”

And I had a point. What was I holding back about? Have you watched TV recently? You’re supposed to spill your guts all over the screen and reveal your deepest darkest moments and your shallowest shittiest impulses! That’s what sells, that’s what gets the hits and it always works out so well for the people involved.

There has to be a Reality TV Actors recovery group somewhere.

The trouble is that as a Buddhist, I am not supposed to talk about my own private journey on the path to Nirvanna, except to our chosen Teacher or Master. None of us are. When any of the Abrahamic Siblings get together they can chat all day about their faiths, or blow each other up depending on the week. But when two Buddhists meet, there is a profound silence about the subject. I’ve seen it happen at parties filled with professional theologians. It’s hilarious. And its boring as hell.

Buddhism is the most boring of all the religions. Not just for the lack of blowing each other up, but because of the numerous restrictions against ‘Wrong’ or more accurately, ‘Ignoble’ Speech. We have a whole category for Ignoble Speech that is broken up in sets and subsets. Which is even more boring. It’s kinda what we do: bore Suffering into non-existence.

There’s a bunch of stuff all over the Suttras and the Original Discourses about shutting the hell up in all kinds of ways, not just on the meditation cushion. Thich Nhat Hanh puts it more far more compassionately than I do….

“When we share the Dharma, we must speak carefully so that we and our listeners do not get stuck in words or concepts. It’s our duty to transcend words and concepts to be able to encounter reality. To be in touch with the source of our own wisdom is the way to show most eloquently that the Buddha is alive.“

And of course, for all the sets and subsets of Ignoble Speech, we have sets and subsets for Right Speech. It’s the third stop on the Eightfold Noble Path, and there’s a lot more to it than the famous aphorism that everything I say must be ‘true, kind and necessary’. ‘Idle chatter’ is massively verbotten, as is claiming to know something you don’t, and here is where we run into a problem.

When it comes to Buddhism, I don’t fully understand what I am talking about. I haven’t lied or misrepresented, but I’ve condensed the hell out of a lot of ideas and concepts, and that makes me nervous.

I have been guilty of lying about my knowledge in the past, along the lines of “Yes, I’ve read Moby Dick.” and I have been guilty of outright lying in the past as in “No, I didn’t sleep with her.” Also, I have used my voice my entire life to make money, and for the sheer pleasure of speaking in front of people. I love words, and they mean a lot to me, so Right Speech is a big deal, and it’s the home of a lot of my pain and a lot of my pleasure.

And the Dharma’s totally correct! Talking about the deepest realizations I have had would be useless, and it would corrupt the realization itself. It’s like when you have a dream that you are driving a car that is a Volkswagon Bug and a pepperoni pizza at the same time. It’s totally clear and obvious inside your head, but if you try to describe verbally how the pizza crust bumper fits into the Volkswagen hood, you’d fail miserably.

Also, it’s nobody else’s business, all that inside stuff, all those amazing insights and realizations. Except, of course, for your teacher. Every Buddhist is supposed to be part of a community guided by an acknowledged master of the Buddhist Dharma. I’m not. And it’s not through some rebellion thing, sadly. It’d be cooler if it was. I’m just afraid. Not sure why.

But…I have an audience. And that’s a start. Y’all have always been my GroupGuru for my entire 25 Years of doing improvisational comedy, “Hi, welcome to the Oxymorons comedy show, for our first suggestion, can someone in our audience shout out a reason for me to continue living?” Back then laughter meant approval, silence was disaster. Now my religion wants me to embrace silence. Of course it does.

Well, I’m trying Buddha. I’m trying real hard.

For now, can I paraphrase St Augustine, “Buddha make me quiet….but not yet.” I still need, and want, and like to share these things with folks like y’all. And I will stick the Rights, as I hope I have already done. But I’m not a teacher, a master or a guru. You guys are. No pressure.