Comedians and the Buddha have something in common, they both can talk about a subject in such accurate and devastating terms that they can alter your views on that subject forever. I heard a comedian tell a joke about ‘The Andy Griffith Show’, one of my favorite television programs of all time. The bit was about the absence of black people, and that if there’s a small town in North Carolina with no black people, ” then something happened to those black People!” It was hilarious! And since I heard that joke I have not been able to watch a single episode Andy Griffith, not even the one about Aunt Bea’s pickles.

And it’s not about me being offended by the absence of black people on a TV show from the 60’s, it’s that I never realized their absence until a black comic mentioned it. I’ve spent decades watching that show, and Mr. Liberal Theater guy here never once picked up on the lack of black. I’ve called out Podcasts for misinterpreting 17th Century English political history, but for a TV show set in the State my Father was born in, I completely missed the removal of an entire population. I just didn’t see it. Welcome to white bias. But, that bias ain’t just white.

Cut to my wife and I happily watching Ted Lasso one more time. And after the episode, my wife remarked how nice it was to see something that was a positive take on men, that the show was a relief from male toxicity. With those words, three clicks of realizations came together, and I will never be able to watch Ted Lasso again.

There are no black people in Mayberry. There is no real male toxicity in Ted Lasso. There is no Ted Lasso.

Ted Lasso is a cartoon about men written for women. It’s not even a fantasy, or a parody. It is a list of stuff women would like to see men do. That’s all. It also happens to be a superior work of art, in every aspect. And Sudekis and his Team did not set out to do anything malicious or ill intentioned. They simply did their job. In fact I can see Sudekis and his team erupt with outrage at the idea they eschew, glamourize or obfuscate Male toxicity. They will point to scenes and plot points which address the sources of male toxicity, and those scenes exist and are clearly written with that exact purpose in mind. They also prove my point, for in every other scene all evidence of male toxicity are invisible. And for every scene with Jaimie Tartt confronting his Dad, there are six scenes of the Professionally Angry and violent Roy Kent being a sweetheart to a little girl or a similarly deliberate Male stereotype-busting scene. And those scenes are funny, endearing and delightful to watch, until you hear your wife describe the cumulative experience it as a ‘relief’ and a comfort.

To quote Roy Kent, “Bollocks”.

There is never any relief, respite or comfort given from the energies and troubles The Televised Collective has entitled ‘Toxic Masculinity’. These energies have been the source of oppression for more than half the population, and the scary truth of it isn’t a place of Big Muscles and Warmongers flinging missiles, it’s the quiet man who walks his dog every night, a dog he would never mistreat, who then later rapes a woman in the subway. There’s a lot going on there, and average men like me would like to understand more by talking about it, but we can’t, because you very well may not be our friends anymore if we do. It’s a sticky place were sex and violence meet, a place where a person becomes sexually aroused when they don’t want to be, and often doesn’t understand why. Most men who do express their feelings on this stuff are teased and mocked by all sides.

On that issue, the characters on Ted Lasso may be said to model good behavior and positive choices, but how is that possible? Every character on the show is a sports millionaire, with servants and assistants ( that we rarely see). All the working class characters are walking two-dimensional one-liners. Millionaire professional athletes cannot model behavior for anyone, except other professional athletes.

But even for them, there ain’t any black people in Mayberry. Right now, there are thousands of groups of men being paid to play sports for your amusement. They will never have a break from their own toxic masculinity, a toxicity that is funded by every ticket sold and even shoe deal brokered by a Mother who loves them. They will be crippled by 50 years of age, if they live that long. Often their dedication and discipline will have resulted in the destruction of their minds, not only from performance enhancing drugs and repeated physical trauma, but from being forced to adhere to the False Double Standard of Maleness of the Dumb Safe Dad or Strong and Dangerous Fucktoy; a poisonous standard I do not have to Mansplain to any woman out there.

And as women’s sports continue to grow in popularity, those athletes will find themselves folded in to the mix of what is called Male Toxicity, and they will discover that it never had anything to do with what’s between your legs, but with how much of you can be sold.

As we buy every ticket and lace up every shoe.

We easily forget that the revolution will not be televised, and that intoxication comes in many forms. Sometimes I take a hit of weed, sometimes I take a hit of Ted Lasso. Both keep problems far away. Neither offer any real solutions. Ted Lasso is excellent art. It is well crafted, well acted, well written and it makes you feel great about the world and everyone in it. I’m not going to ask you to not watch it. But you are not allowed to create any standards for male behavior based on Ted Lasso, unless I can do the same with Charlie’s Angels.

Barbecue Sauce.